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 Humor

Published

 August, 2008

Synopsis

 I'm Voting For the Black Man

My Man Alan Keyes
By Al Owens

After much thought, Ive decided to vote for Alan Keyes for president.

Why, you ask? Im black, hes black he gets my vote. It doesnt matter to me that I keep ruining televisions throwing heavy objects at the screen at the mere sight of Alan Keyes hes black Im at one with him.

I had, for some time, supported Barack Obama, until it dawned on me that his mother was white.
I even contacted the Board of Elections to see if I could only give him half a vote, but they told me that it doesnt work that way.
So, Keyes is my man.

I would have voted for John McCain (despite his obvious whiteness), but there are those internet emails I keep getting that say he was raised by wolves. Im not voting for a guy who might, if provoked, howl at some world leader.
And that has nothing whatsoever to do with him being white.

Besides, some of my best friends are white. I just wouldnt want any of them to become my president.

I have, on occasion, voted for white guys for president. But these are dangerous times, so Im sticking with my own kind.

Keyes may sound like a loon, but we have one very important thing in common. Neither of us needs suntan lotion.

I now have a better understanding of how all of those people Ive heard about wont vote for Obama. Not because hes black, but because hes been a closet Muslim all of his life.

Those people have made a decision based on the kinds of emails I get everyday. The ones that remind me McCain was really living in a commune near San Francisco, when hes always claimed he was a POW.

Ive even avoided a serious dilemma that would have caused me a lot of headaches if that situation ever arose.

Let's suppose the son of Frederik Willem de Klerk, the former white president of South Africa, was really born in the United States. And lets suppose, for the sake of this particular dilemma, de Klerks son ran for president this year.

Now Id really have a hard decision to make. Young de Klerk would be, in reality, an African American. But hed also be white.
What would I ever do? Id have to pray that somebody put me on an email list that would reveal hes been a secret member of the Ku Klux Klan since before he was born.

Oh, I know these voting decisions dont always provide easy solutions.
But Im sticking with the one rule Ill follow for the rest of my life. From now on, I wont listen to what candidates have to say. Ill just make my choices based on which one is black.

Two black candidates? The darkest one gets my vote.

I think everybody should adopt this philosophy. That way, we dont need debates, campaign commercials, endless ads or pundits who awkwardly try to mask their racial biases.
Pundits, especially those like Fox News Sean Hannity, should come right out and do as I do.

John McCain is white. Hell make a better president, Hannity should announce.

Cross dressers unite. Vote for Hillary, anyway.

With Keyes getting my vote, Im still biting my fingernails about his VP choice. He could actually lose my support, if he chooses somebody other than Colin Powell.

If he does choose Powell, Im gonna vote twice, and I dont care what the Board of Election says.

If youve read this far, Im hoping you realize I dont believe a word of this. That Alan Keyes wont get my vote. That neither would Condy Rice, or any black conservative.

I am troubled, though, because some people do think this way.
Satire is lost on those people. Theyll simply sit there and say, Hes a racist. But hes my kind of racist.

Those just may be the same people who read my recent column about my move to San Francisco and said, Good riddance. Im still here. And I dont vote for anybody based on their race.

Edward A. Owens of Uniontown is Webmaster of Red Raider Nation: Where Champions Live. E-mail him at freedoms@bellatlantic.net