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 Humor

Published

 January, 2007

Synopsis

 A sidelong glance at the Oscars and the presidency

Give This Man an Oscar!

By Al Owens
Tuesday was a mighty long day for many Americans. We were treated to the announcement of the nominations for the 79th Academy Awards at 8:30 in the morning. Then, twelve and a half hours later, George W. Bush ďtreated usĒ to his 6th State of the Union message. Except for this column, you wonít find anybody dumb enough to try to blend the two events.

Ah! There he was. The President of the Whole United States of America, standing at his podium, and offering his TERMS OF ENDEARMENT to our new Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi. Pelosi may have been smiling like LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE, but the president knows itís AN INCONVENIENT TRUTH that Pelosiís smile hides THE STING of somebody whoíll most likely send him down a ROCKY political road. Letís face folks, sheís a GLADIATOR.

President Bush spent nearly an hour trying to convince ORDINARY PEOPLE that heís on their side. He gave his outlines for his plans to cut down on legislative earmarks; to renew his No Child Left Behind program; to re-examine the nationís immigration policies, and to bolster social security for those people who retire and enjoy THE BEST YEARS OF (OUR) THEIR LIVES. He wants to fix social security FROM HERE TO ETERNITY, I guess.

He spoke at length about trying to bridge the deep political crevasse that has divided separated the Democrats and Republicans these past few years. He even hinted at A GENTLEMANíS AGREEMENT. That is, provided the Democrats find themselves GOING (MY) HIS WAY.

Of course, Bush knows heíll be GONE WITH THE WIND in less than two years, so he has one issue that heís consumed with thatís pulling his legacy down like THE TITANTIC. Itís FRAGMENTS IN IRAQ (Best documentary nominee-2006).

Gone is the bravado of his previous State of the Union speeches regarding Iraq. He only used the word victory once IN THE HEAT OF THE NIGHT. Thatís because with each additional PLATOON that goes to the Middle East, his vision continues to get LOST IN TRANSLATION, as if heís the star of BORAT CULTURAL LEARNINGS OF AMERICA FOR MAKE BENEFIT GLORIOUS NATION OF KAZAKHSTAN, or something. (Ok thatís a stretch)

The president has never been accused of having A BEAUTIFUL MIND, or of being like GANDHI. To some people heís more like FOREST GUMP. But on Tuesday night he made an effort to be A MAN FOR ALL SEASONS, with his carefully crafted nods to both his political base and to the heart of the Democratic domestic agenda.

All this while making 34 mentions of Iraq (or Iraqis) Ė the most ever for a George W. Bush State of the Union speech. For him thatís AS GOOD AS IT GETS. Heís a president who seems to be swimming upstream against a tide of public dissent, not unlike the days of NIXON.

Yes, he seemed to be giving lip service to the economy and to the environment, but some people might ask why heís waited until the near end of his presidency to worry about HOW GREEN (WAS) IS MY VALLEY? To them is just doesnít matter, itís all just PULP FICTION.

So President Bush is off and running after reciting his laundry list of items that stand little chance of being widely adopted. Heís taking to the road to explain in further detail his vision for the future. Just like a few years ago, when he seemed to go AROUND THE WORLD IN 80 DAYS to try to explain his ill-fated social security program that hardly anybody (including members of the his own party) thought made much sense.

Letís all wish him well as he boards his CHARIOTS OF FIRE and tries to avoid the issue that has crippled his presidency and jeopardized his legacy - Iraq.

A plan in which heís obviously gone A BRIDGE TOO FAR!