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 Ann Coulter Reply


 November, 2006


 Ann Coulter - Making Ann Coulter shine my shoes

Snatching Victory from the Jaws of Ann Coulter

By Al Owens
Oh Ann. When you’re finished taking that victory lap, can you come over here and SHINE MY SHOES? And while you’re here, can you explain to me again why you’re taking that victory lap in the first place?

That’s a joke Ann. Something you folks on the right never seem to get. Oh, you tell a few jokes now and again. Like in last week’s column when you tried to alert us to the eminent danger of a U.S. Congress controlled by Democrats, with several African American Congressmen heading powerful committees. You threw that knee-slapper “slave reparations” out there so that neo-cons would run screaming into voting booths across the country to prevent the entire U.S. Treasury from getting earmarked for something nobody ever mentioned. That was a hot one Ann. But apparently your silly racial innuendo didn’t work. Now SHINE MY SHOES!

While you’re at it, can you please tell me why a certain President of The United States of American I know, was taking giant gulps of that tasty Humble Pie the other day? And whatever happened to that abundant political capital he said he had a couple of years ago?

I don’t want to gloat Annie, but you leave me no alternative.

I do have to give Ann Coulter some credit. She can do fuzzy math better than anybody I know. While she cleverly thrusts her selective facts on all of us, I’m about to run for my shower with a bar of Ivory Soap in hand.

Consider this. She discusses the woes of presidents whose parties lost all of those seats during their second term mid term in elections. I’ll give her that. But what she artfully omits is one very important fact. Of all those sixth year mid-term elections (Roosevelt, Eisenhower, Kennedy/Johnson, Nixon, and Reagan) none meant that the House of Representatives changed hands! None of them. And only once did a party (the Democrats in 1986) seize control of the U.S. Senate.

But Ms. Coulter was too busy trying on party hats for that upcoming Republican victory soiree to note that this year, when the Democrats won control of both houses of Congress in a sixth year mid-term election, that hasn’t happened since 1918.

And I guess she missed the fact that the Republicans in 1998 (Bill Clinton’s sixth year, mid-term election) broke that supposed mold of massive gains by the out party. Even with an impeachment battle brewing and Monica Lewinsky’s name becoming mighty familiar, the Republicans failed to pick up a single seat in the Senate. Talk about a rule that breaks the rules. But I’m not finished. Coulter’s logic gets fuzzier and fuzzier. 1998 was the first year since 1822 that the party not having a president in the White House didn’t pick up a single House seat, in the aforementioned second term, mid-term election.

Missing too was the fact that Tuesday’s election was the first time since 1938 that the president’s party failed to win a single seat from an incumbent House member. That’s a complete shutout for a second term, mid-term election.

Ms. Coulter, be careful when you write this fiction. We have Google, and we know how to use it!

And don’t let me get started on Elbridge Gerry. He’s the guy for whom the term gerrymandering was coined. Gerrymandering, thanks to some skillful Republicans has helped make some congressional districts nearly impossible for Democrats to win across the nation. Master gerrymanderers like Tom Delay in Texas used that practice to create districts that may have gone to Democrats before – but didn’t. Without it, some say, the Democratic victory may have been startling.

So three dozen house seats and a half senate seats don’t matter? Both houses changed hands, the Democrats are clapping their hands, and Republicans should be wringing their hands. Instead we get facts, that aren’t really facts at all.

I love football. I learned something a long time ago about the game. That the team that has the most points – wins. Conservatives must not go to many football games. I keep hearing them say, “They didn’t beat us, we just didn’t win!” That stuff used to work. But right now, Ann, can you just SHINE MY SHOES? We people on the left got political capital to use – and you’d better believe we’re gonna use it!

Oh Ann, you missed a spot.