English! It’s So Confusing
By Al Owens
Try this! Go JUMP in the shower. At my age that’s a daunting task. In fact,
nobody I know really ever JUMPS in the shower. They may put one foot, then the
other foot into the shower. But I’m pretty sure they don’t take a leap in the
direction of some slippery-when-wet surface that could cause them serious injury
if they failed.
In fact, when you think about it, you don’t really TAKE a shower either! But
I’ve heard hundreds of people say they take or jump into the shower.
That’s just one of the many idiomatic phrases that must send visitors from other
countries running for their English books.
They may hear one of us say we’re talking ON the telephone, and they may wonder
why we’re not really telling the truth. For most of us the telephone is on us,
while we converse through the telephone. But we’re rarely, if ever, on top of
it.
We don’t get INTO bed either. Can you imagine trying to actually get INTO bed?
How would you do that? What would that look like?
The English language gives us so many wonderful opportunities to get confused!
You may hear people in Uniontown say they’re going UP TO MORGANTOWN, but it’s to
the south. You’ll hear people say they’re going DOWN TO PITTSBURGH, but it’s to
the north. It’s enough to make you RUN FOR YOUR MAP, even though you’d look
silly actually running for a map.
Does your nose really RUN? Do you really CATCH a plane? Do you really HOP a
flight? Do you really get ON your computer? Do you really CATCH a cold? Am I
asking too many questions? Well don’t JUMP on me!
The more I use this English language, the more I’m inclined to ask silly
questions about it.
What’s the difference, for instance, between standing IN line and standing ON
line? Or is there really a difference?
After you’ve been IN bed, do you really MAKE the bed, when you get OUT of it?
Somebody else MADE my bed. And if I actually had to MAKE my bed every time I
slept ON it (or IN it), I’d be too tired to ever get OUT of it (or OFF of it),
or something! I’ve had it with this. I don’t think I’ll ever get the HANG of it.
And what heck does get the HANG of it mean in the first place?
And when does the jury pay so dearly when they can’t come to a decision, that
they get HUNG? Aren’t they there to determine that somebody else will or won’t
get HUNG?
I’m not making fun of you if you happen to use any of these phrases. I use them
all the time myself. In fact, I can’t really find another way to tell people
about my telephone conversations without using the phrase, ON the phone! I’m
desperately seeking good ways to explain how I wash my BVD’s without saying I’m
THROWING them in the washer (or INTO), or something!
You might try to TIE your shoes, but I’m not! I’m not going to do anything that
could break my toes! I will, however, tie my shoelaces.
These, of course, are all idioms. The stuff that probably makes Russians and
Germans and the Chinese THROW down lots of Tylenol, by the time they get OFF
their planes! Before they even CATCH a bite. Before customs even tries to make
them JUMP THROUGH HOOPS.
Well, I guess I’ll get OUT of here. It’s not like I’m really IN here, mind you.
I’m just sitting here, typing ON this computer. Ah English! It’ll SEND YOU nuts!
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