By Al Owens
I’m the father of Anna Nicole Smith’s baby! I’ve been advised by my presidential
campaign manager Roy G. Biv (who’s quite a colorful guy in his own right, I
might add) to avoid getting blindsided by the media with those revealing DNA
tests.
So, I’m the one. I’ve never met the late Ms. Smith, but that doesn’t matter. I’m
coming clean anyway.
I’m also admitting to being part of that Capt. Lisa Nowak thing. It wasn’t a
love triangle. It was really a love rectangle. Roy G. Biv says admit to
everything, deny nothing. So, while I couldn’t pick Lisa Nowak out of a line-up
– we had a torrid affair.
I’m sure after she took care of that woman in Florida, she was going to re-fuel
and re-diaper and then head this way.
Those other presidential candidates aren’t as transparent as I am about their
past indiscretions. That’s what makes me a born leader. I robbed a bank in 1976.
I needed the money.
I bugged the Democratic National Headquarters in 1971. Richard Nixon got the
idea from me.
I taught Ann Coulter how to write. I’m taking the blame for that too – but with
some trepidation. I want to be your president. After I’m elected, if word got
out I helped unleash this woman on the world, I’d most certainly face
impeachment.
Of course, she’d write columns about never meeting me. She’ll claim she couldn’t
have learned anything from me. She’ll advance the theory that conservatives
can’t be taught anything by anybody. She’ll use George W. Bush as an example.
I caused the stock market crash of ’29. I was having a bad day, and I wanted the
world to know it.
Presidential campaigning has led me to do a lot of soul searching. I don’t want
swift-boated when I become the frontrunner. So, I served in Vietnam, but I never
loaded my weapon.
I designed the Edsel. I thought it was a good idea at the time. Never did I
dream that such an unloved automobile might play a role in my run for public
office. Roy G. Biv doesn’t care. He says, “Throw yourself on the good will of
the American people, ask for their mercy, go to them on bended knees – and then
I’ll come up with a few more clichés for you to follow.”
I wrote Mein Kampf! I was drunk when I wrote it. I used to be an alcoholic.
Hanging around with Adolf Hitler will do that to you.
I don’t think Hillary Clinton would ever admit to anything. Rudolph Giuliani is
too busy cleansing his record. Barack Obama will claim he smokes cigarettes -
but he doesn’t inhale.
I pioneered the development of New Coke. I mentored Mike Tyson. I give charm
lessons to Paris Hilton. I’m the one. And I’m admitting it here and now.
To become President of These United States, you must be willing to undergo the
scrutiny of that 24 hour news and scandal cycle. I’m just about ready.
Did I tell you I do Don King’s hair? I’m a barber on the side. Only in America
can a former barber become president. That is if the unsavory details of their
past lives don’t get the tabloid treatment.
I started the Civil War! I thought two America’s would be better than one. Maybe
I was wrong. History may bear me out on that one.
When I stand before the people of the United States, I will have no secrets
about my personal history. I will be free to govern without any fear that some
eager young investigative reporter will blindside me with some tidbit that would
cause me and my family shame.
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