By Al Owens
I have no idea why nobody took me seriously when I announced my candidacy for
president a few weeks ago. Bill O’Reilly never called. Meet the Press ignored
me. Nobody even contacted me from The Herald-Standard!
I fully expected questions like, “Do you have any foreign policy experience?”
Or, “When you’re elected president, what do you plan to do about my property
taxes?” Instead I get left alone. When John Edwards announces he’s running, he
gets cameras jammed down his throat. When I announce, nothing! They even
turn-off the security cameras when I walk into Wal-Mart.
I’ve been thinking a lot about this. My campaign staff has come up with a plan
that’s sure to spark nationwide interest. I’ve got to announce my cabinet. Not
just any cabinet members will do. A cabinet comprised of Fayette County
I’ll hold off on my selection for Vice-President for now. Being a heart beat
away from president means somebody will have to actually leave Fayette County.
I’m willing. I’m not sure anybody else is.
So here are my cabinet selections, and the reasons why they’ll make up the core
of my administration.
Attorney General: Fayette County District Attorney Nancy Vernon. I’ve never met
her. But I will soon. It has something to do with this speeding ticket.
Secretary of Defense: Kyle W. Sneddon. I hear he’s available these days. I have
met him. He wouldn’t do anything about that speeding ticket.
Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Fayette County Housing Authority
Executive Director Thomas Harkless. We’ll need to iron out a few things first.
Then we’ll be ready to roll.
White House Director of Communications: WMBS-Radio’s Bob Foltz. We’ll have to
find a way for him to work in my administration, and keep his “Let’s Talk”, talk
White House Press Secretary: I’d asked Bob Woodward, but he declined. Paul
Sunyak? He’s the man.
Education Secretary: Uniontown Area School Superintendent Charles Machesky. I’m
planning a Children Who Get Left Behind Will Have to Leave the Country program.
I’m sure hoping Chuck can live with that.
Secretary of the U.S. Treasury: I called Joe Hardy and asked him, but he
declined. He feels he’d make a much better Secretary of Commerce if the price
was right. I told him he’d make a great Secretary of Commerce. He asked me where
to send check!
I immediately called my man Ben Wright down at First National Bank. He said as
soon as he’s finished with his United Way Fund Drive, he’d be ready to become my
Secretary of the Treasury.
I’m still waiting for Myron Nypaver to get back to me about being my Secretary
of Homeland Security. He’s a little tied up because he has about a dozen
different functions these days. That’s why I think he’d be a nice fit for
I just called Joe Hardy back and reminded him that you don’t have to pay people
to be Secretary of Commerce. He asked me how much he could pay me to be my
choice for Vice-President. I told him a million dollars. He now wants to be my
I immediately called Muriel Nuttall down at the Uniontown Chamber of Commerce.
She’ll make a nice fit as my Commerce Secretary. She’ll be able to grease the
skids for businesses worldwide to come to Fayette County.
Secretary of Health and Human Services: That will be Paul Bacharach, the current
President and CEO of Uniontown Hospitals. He’ll have easy access to all of those
headache remedies my cabinet members will need when I’m elected president.
Secretary of State: Michael J. Krajovic, President of Fay-Penn. He’ll have to
learn to work with, me, an African-American when he takes his position.
Something he really he hasn’t had to do a lot of down there at Fay-Penn.
These announcements should get the attention of the media. I’m not only planning
to win the presidency, but by naming these cabinet members early, I’m way ahead
of my opponents.
And to further solidify my seriousness regarding this matter, I already have a
war plan. The day following my inauguration, I’m going to declare Cleveland a
sovereign state. The following day, I’m going to declare war on it.