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Humor Columns

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Category

 Humor

Published

 January, 2007

Synopsis

 I announce my selections for my "cabinet"

My Cabinet

By Al Owens
I have no idea why nobody took me seriously when I announced my candidacy for president a few weeks ago. Bill OReilly never called. Meet the Press ignored me. Nobody even contacted me from The Herald-Standard!

I fully expected questions like, Do you have any foreign policy experience? Or, When youre elected president, what do you plan to do about my property taxes? Instead I get left alone. When John Edwards announces hes running, he gets cameras jammed down his throat. When I announce, nothing! They even turn-off the security cameras when I walk into Wal-Mart.

Ive been thinking a lot about this. My campaign staff has come up with a plan thats sure to spark nationwide interest. Ive got to announce my cabinet. Not just any cabinet members will do. A cabinet comprised of Fayette County residents only!

Ill hold off on my selection for Vice-President for now. Being a heart beat away from president means somebody will have to actually leave Fayette County. Im willing. Im not sure anybody else is.

So here are my cabinet selections, and the reasons why theyll make up the core of my administration.

Attorney General: Fayette County District Attorney Nancy Vernon. Ive never met her. But I will soon. It has something to do with this speeding ticket.

Secretary of Defense: Kyle W. Sneddon. I hear hes available these days. I have met him. He wouldnt do anything about that speeding ticket.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development: Fayette County Housing Authority Executive Director Thomas Harkless. Well need to iron out a few things first. Then well be ready to roll.

White House Director of Communications: WMBS-Radios Bob Foltz. Well have to find a way for him to work in my administration, and keep his Lets Talk, talk show.

White House Press Secretary: Id asked Bob Woodward, but he declined. Paul Sunyak? Hes the man.

Education Secretary: Uniontown Area School Superintendent Charles Machesky. Im planning a Children Who Get Left Behind Will Have to Leave the Country program. Im sure hoping Chuck can live with that.

Secretary of the U.S. Treasury: I called Joe Hardy and asked him, but he declined. He feels hed make a much better Secretary of Commerce if the price was right. I told him hed make a great Secretary of Commerce. He asked me where to send check!

I immediately called my man Ben Wright down at First National Bank. He said as soon as hes finished with his United Way Fund Drive, hed be ready to become my Secretary of the Treasury.

Im still waiting for Myron Nypaver to get back to me about being my Secretary of Homeland Security. Hes a little tied up because he has about a dozen different functions these days. Thats why I think hed be a nice fit for Homeland Security.

I just called Joe Hardy back and reminded him that you dont have to pay people to be Secretary of Commerce. He asked me how much he could pay me to be my choice for Vice-President. I told him a million dollars. He now wants to be my Vice-President too!

I immediately called Muriel Nuttall down at the Uniontown Chamber of Commerce. Shell make a nice fit as my Commerce Secretary. Shell be able to grease the skids for businesses worldwide to come to Fayette County.

Secretary of Health and Human Services: That will be Paul Bacharach, the current President and CEO of Uniontown Hospitals. Hell have easy access to all of those headache remedies my cabinet members will need when Im elected president.

Secretary of State: Michael J. Krajovic, President of Fay-Penn. Hell have to learn to work with, me, an African-American when he takes his position. Something he really he hasnt had to do a lot of down there at Fay-Penn.

These announcements should get the attention of the media. Im not only planning to win the presidency, but by naming these cabinet members early, Im way ahead of my opponents.

And to further solidify my seriousness regarding this matter, I already have a war plan. The day following my inauguration, Im going to declare Cleveland a sovereign state. The following day, Im going to declare war on it.

I need your vote!

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