By Al Owens
At this time, I am formally announcing my candidacy for the office of President
of the United States of America.
Unlike Hillary, McCain, Obama, and Giuliani I wonít beat around the Bush! I
donít have time for that kind of thing. Iíve got some heavy campaigning to do
and Dennis Kucinich and Tom Vilsack (whoever he is) already have head starts.
First, I plan to be a president for change. Iíll change everything. Even the
No, I donít have any foreign policy experience. Iíll get that when I get into
the White House. Iíll follow the lead of our current president. Iíll look all of
those foreign leaders in their eyes, and see right in their souls. Iíll be the
Amazing Kreskin of presidents.
So here I am. Cable news channels Ė have your way with me. Iíll answer any
question. Iíll solve any problem Ė in theory of course. And Iíll structure every
sentence so the words, ďthatís what Iíll do when Iím elected PresidentĒ, fall at
the end of it.
This presidential campaigning Ė all six paragraphs of it so far Ė is already
starting to wear me down. Yet, Iím up for the task. Iím already planning some
pretty nasty attack ads. Iíll go after Hillaryís husband, Obamaís name,
Giulianiís marital history, and McCainís ever-changing stands on the issues.
Iíll even find out what it is Tom Vilsack stands for Ė and Iíll oppose it too.
Platform? Who needs a platform? Legislative accomplishments? None. Community
service? I did help a senior citizen cross the street once. That should get some
votes Ė despite the fact she didnít want my help.
Iím a Vietnam vet. That should gain me a little support. I was against that war.
Well there went that support.
I was for the war in Iraq, before I turned against it. I should pick up all of
the votes from people who supported John Kerry.
Iím for campaign finance reform. Whenever Iím elected with all of that lobbyist
money Iíll be getting Ė Iíll look into that.
Iím for building a wall to keep U.S. citizens from fleeing to Canada after Iím
Iím against homosexuality between heterosexuals.
I donít have a thing against guys who want to get an abortion.
Iím going to propose a constitutional amendment that will prevent people from
taking the word Christ out of Christmas. Mainly because the phrase Merry mas
would make no sense.
Iím for keeping children in school until they graduate. I donít care if there
are a lot of 38 year-old high school seniors running around Ė No adult should be
left behind either.
I already have my key administration positions staked out. Mel Gibson Ė heíll be
my Ambassador to Israel. Michael Richards Ė my Ambassador to Harlem. If a
position opens up on the Supreme Court, Judge Judy is my choice.
This stuff is easy. I donít know why our current president finds it so hard. I
guess itís that Iraq thing.
And while on the subject of Iraq, Iíll stay the course there. Then Iíll change
my mind, but continue to stay the course. My Oval office door will always be
open for the generals - so they can present me with a true picture of whatís
going on in Iraq. Then Iíll throw that picture away. What do they know anyway?
Iím all for shrinking the size of government. So much so, I want my legacy to be
that I was the Preparation H of presidents.
Energy? I wonít have much of that. But I will be able to solve some of the
nationís current energy dilemma. Iíve figured out that if the hot air thatís
come out of the White House since George W. Bush has been in office would have
been harnessed and distributed Ė it would have been enough to have heated every
American home for the decades.
As president, Iíll make sure we make ample use of that hot air Ė when itís
produced down there in Crawford, Texas.