By Al Owens
At this time, I am formally announcing my candidacy for the office of President
of the United States of America.
Unlike Hillary, McCain, Obama, and Giuliani I won’t beat around the Bush! I
don’t have time for that kind of thing. I’ve got some heavy campaigning to do
and Dennis Kucinich and Tom Vilsack (whoever he is) already have head starts.
First, I plan to be a president for change. I’ll change everything. Even the
good stuff.
No, I don’t have any foreign policy experience. I’ll get that when I get into
the White House. I’ll follow the lead of our current president. I’ll look all of
those foreign leaders in their eyes, and see right in their souls. I’ll be the
Amazing Kreskin of presidents.
So here I am. Cable news channels – have your way with me. I’ll answer any
question. I’ll solve any problem – in theory of course. And I’ll structure every
sentence so the words, “that’s what I’ll do when I’m elected President”, fall at
the end of it.
This presidential campaigning – all six paragraphs of it so far – is already
starting to wear me down. Yet, I’m up for the task. I’m already planning some
pretty nasty attack ads. I’ll go after Hillary’s husband, Obama’s name,
Giuliani’s marital history, and McCain’s ever-changing stands on the issues.
I’ll even find out what it is Tom Vilsack stands for – and I’ll oppose it too.
The bum!
Platform? Who needs a platform? Legislative accomplishments? None. Community
service? I did help a senior citizen cross the street once. That should get some
votes – despite the fact she didn’t want my help.
I’m a Vietnam vet. That should gain me a little support. I was against that war.
Well there went that support.
I was for the war in Iraq, before I turned against it. I should pick up all of
the votes from people who supported John Kerry.
I’m for campaign finance reform. Whenever I’m elected with all of that lobbyist
money I’ll be getting – I’ll look into that.
I’m for building a wall to keep U.S. citizens from fleeing to Canada after I’m
elected.
I’m against homosexuality between heterosexuals.
I don’t have a thing against guys who want to get an abortion.
I’m going to propose a constitutional amendment that will prevent people from
taking the word Christ out of Christmas. Mainly because the phrase Merry mas
would make no sense.
I’m for keeping children in school until they graduate. I don’t care if there
are a lot of 38 year-old high school seniors running around – No adult should be
left behind either.
I already have my key administration positions staked out. Mel Gibson – he’ll be
my Ambassador to Israel. Michael Richards – my Ambassador to Harlem. If a
position opens up on the Supreme Court, Judge Judy is my choice.
This stuff is easy. I don’t know why our current president finds it so hard. I
guess it’s that Iraq thing.
And while on the subject of Iraq, I’ll stay the course there. Then I’ll change
my mind, but continue to stay the course. My Oval office door will always be
open for the generals - so they can present me with a true picture of what’s
going on in Iraq. Then I’ll throw that picture away. What do they know anyway?
I’m all for shrinking the size of government. So much so, I want my legacy to be
that I was the Preparation H of presidents.
Energy? I won’t have much of that. But I will be able to solve some of the
nation’s current energy dilemma. I’ve figured out that if the hot air that’s
come out of the White House since George W. Bush has been in office would have
been harnessed and distributed – it would have been enough to have heated every
American home for the decades.
As president, I’ll make sure we make ample use of that hot air – when it’s
produced down there in Crawford, Texas.
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