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 January, 2009


 Presidential Expectations of Barack Obama

My Presidential Wish List

I’ve been told we’ll have a brand new president next week. I also keep hearing rumors that the moment he takes his oath of office, he’ll have his hands full.
The mess he’ll inherit, they say, will be monumental.

A half dozen years of knowledge that George W. Bush “helped keep us safe” by preventing angry terrorists from keying my car (or something) – will stand as his lone accomplishment.

I’d count that “No Child (unfunded mandate) Left Behind” thing, but I’ve spoken with a few school administrators who aren’t real pleased with it - because of those two words I just stuffed between parentheses.

It’s time to ponder the upcoming Obama administration.

I’d like to see a tax cut. I mean a real tax cut. Every tax on everything should be eliminated. If Obama can’t do that, I’m not apt to vote for his reelection.
I want Barack Obama to outlaw all disease, thus making moot the argument for universal health care. If Obama won’t write an anti-sickness doctrine, change won’t truly be coming to America.

I know on “day-one,” he’ll be forced to wrestle with the nation’s ever-worsening economic condition. That’s a given. But I’m more concerned about other issues - the ones that affect me daily.

I know, I know, there will be forces arrayed across the political spectrum that’ll pressure Obama to take stands on issues they feel are important.
Since I don’t think I’m ever going to get an abortion, and I’m certain I won’t be a spouse in a gay marriage, for me, those aren’t issues on my presidential “wish list.”

I have other, more personal, causes that will enable me to gauge Obama’s effectiveness. Air quotes. If Obama doesn’t call on congress to send him a bill that would outlaw air quotes, he’s in jeopardy of becoming a manifest failure.

He should go before the American public (hopefully during a prime time address from the Oval Office) and state clearly that anybody brandishing their index and middle fingers on both of their hands - bracketing imaginary words – should be given prison time. He should also state emphatically that he’ll sign any bill that comes across his desk that makes it illegal for people to show their friends and co-workers pictures from their recent trip to the lake (or any vacation for that matter).

If people want to see the lake, they can go there themselves. Obama should also go on record regarding his next Supreme Court nominee. He must declare that his choice would have to prove to him they’re willing to rule based on their objective reading of the U.S. Constitution – except when it comes to people who feel obliged to tell you about the dreams they had the previous night.

People who recite their dreams should be sentenced to mandatory sleep deprivation.
Obama’s true leadership qualities could be most readily discernable if he proposes legislation that would make it illegal for parents to put their two year old kids on the telephone with people who have better things to do than ask, “put your mother back on the phone,” 50 times.

While there’s a near universal opinion that “No Child Left Behind” should be fixed, I have more passion in there being laws restricting parents from putting “Baby on Board” signs in their car windows.

Let’s face it. Some people still haven’t gotten the word. It’s no longer 1977.

I believe Obama should call for a federal moratorium on cell phone discussions comprised of two people in the same supermarket, with one standing in the checkout line (talking rather loudly I might add) to somebody on aisle seven.

Obama’s first 100 days will undoubtedly be the most critical of his term. All eyes (read mine alone) will be on his move to reinstate reform schools.
Yep, reform schools. Any child under the age of 18 who calls an adult “man” or “dude” would, by presidential decree, be sent on a little “vacation” not of their own choosing.

If he’ll do all of these things, I’ll nominate Obama for Mt. Rushmore.

Edward A. Owens of Uniontown is Webmaster of “Red Raider Nation: Where Champions Live.” E-mail him at freedoms@bellatlantic.net