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 Decmeber, 2006


 My official "announcement" for president

I Want to Be Your President

By Al Owens
At this time, I am formally announcing my candidacy for the office of President of the United States of America.

Unlike Hillary, McCain, Obama, and Giuliani I wonít beat around the Bush! I donít have time for that kind of thing. Iíve got some heavy campaigning to do and Dennis Kucinich and Tom Vilsack (whoever he is) already have head starts.

First, I plan to be a president for change. Iíll change everything. Even the good stuff.
No, I donít have any foreign policy experience. Iíll get that when I get into the White House. Iíll follow the lead of our current president. Iíll look all of those foreign leaders in their eyes, and see right in their souls. Iíll be the Amazing Kreskin of presidents.

So here I am. Cable news channels Ė have your way with me. Iíll answer any question. Iíll solve any problem Ė in theory of course. And Iíll structure every sentence so the words, ďthatís what Iíll do when Iím elected PresidentĒ, fall at the end of it.

This presidential campaigning Ė all six paragraphs of it so far Ė is already starting to wear me down. Yet, Iím up for the task. Iím already planning some pretty nasty attack ads. Iíll go after Hillaryís husband, Obamaís name, Giulianiís marital history, and McCainís ever-changing stands on the issues. Iíll even find out what it is Tom Vilsack stands for Ė and Iíll oppose it too. The bum!

Platform? Who needs a platform? Legislative accomplishments? None. Community service? I did help a senior citizen cross the street once. That should get some votes Ė despite the fact she didnít want my help.

Iím a Vietnam vet. That should gain me a little support. I was against that war. Well there went that support.

I was for the war in Iraq, before I turned against it. I should pick up all of the votes from people who supported John Kerry.

Iím for campaign finance reform. Whenever Iím elected with all of that lobbyist money Iíll be getting Ė Iíll look into that.

Iím for building a wall to keep U.S. citizens from fleeing to Canada after Iím elected.

Iím against homosexuality between heterosexuals.

I donít have a thing against guys who want to get an abortion.

Iím going to propose a constitutional amendment that will prevent people from taking the word Christ out of Christmas. Mainly because the phrase Merry mas would make no sense.

Iím for keeping children in school until they graduate. I donít care if there are a lot of 38 year-old high school seniors running around Ė No adult should be left behind either.

I already have my key administration positions staked out. Mel Gibson Ė heíll be my Ambassador to Israel. Michael Richards Ė my Ambassador to Harlem. If a position opens up on the Supreme Court, Judge Judy is my choice.

This stuff is easy. I donít know why our current president finds it so hard. I guess itís that Iraq thing.

And while on the subject of Iraq, Iíll stay the course there. Then Iíll change my mind, but continue to stay the course. My Oval office door will always be open for the generals - so they can present me with a true picture of whatís going on in Iraq. Then Iíll throw that picture away. What do they know anyway?

Iím all for shrinking the size of government. So much so, I want my legacy to be that I was the Preparation H of presidents.

Energy? I wonít have much of that. But I will be able to solve some of the nationís current energy dilemma. Iíve figured out that if the hot air thatís come out of the White House since George W. Bush has been in office would have been harnessed and distributed Ė it would have been enough to have heated every American home for the decades.

As president, Iíll make sure we make ample use of that hot air Ė when itís produced down there in Crawford, Texas.

That is, when Iím elected president.