1524 Barr Avenue, #2, Pittsburgh, Pa. 15205

History Articles
Humor Only
Television Archives
Contact Al

Home arrow Columns

There are 223 Ann Coulter replies, political, humor, nostalgia and tribute columns

Choose the column type BELOW

Your selections will appear BELOW

You've Chosen




 March, 2007


 A warm day helps you forget winter - temporarily

I Lost My Winter!
By Al Owens
I heard a bird this morning. I canít speak bird, but I think he (or she) was telling me they were confused.
Itís March! So a 71 degree day feels like a heat wave. Right now, birds should be taking in spring training down there in Bradenton, Florida. Instead that bird is up here in Pennsylvania trying to find a bird bath.

Iím not complaining. I donít mind birds (as long as they donít try to give me bird flu) and I certainly donít demure from temperatures in the low 70ís.

This morning, I went outside and cleared away the rest of the leaves I didnít clear away last fall. This afternoon, I flung open the windows and forgot winter. Well, I really didnít forget winter. Itís still winter, but for the time being Iím contemplating watering the grass Ė even if that water might freeze by midnight.

Look, weíve all suffered the embarrassment of our car doors freezing shut Ė only a couple of weeks ago. Back then, I thought Iíd never get a chance again to ride around with my windows at half mast. Winter does that kind of thing to you, but the hint of spring does much better stuff.

Iím ready to go outside and grill me up a big fat steak. I want to taunt that bird I heard this morning. I want to tell the neighborhood that the smell of burning briquettes means freedom.

Freedom is when you donít have to make a mad dash for your car, before the teardrops freeze your eyelids shut. Freedom means not having to close your front door and hope the wind doesnít come in the house with you. Freedom means your heat bill doesnít make you contemplate panhandling to pay it.

Ah, Iíve got an urge to make friends with that bird I heard this morning. I just may run out this evening and buy me a nice bag of grass seed Ė to give it something on which to munch. Iíd normally chase away the birds, but itís been so long since itís been warm enough to watch one, I just may feed it by hand.

I can feel my hands right now. They froze around about November and Iím starting to get some feeling back in them today.

Everything seems to be on a steady thaw. There are some familiar fragrances I know I havenít smelled since October Ė and I wonder why the neighbor decided to walk their dog on our lawn. Oh, I donít care! Weíre rounding the corner to spring. Iíll be glad just to speak to my neighbors for the first time in months without complaining about how cold it is.

One neighbor has been standing out in front of his house since December. I think his feet got frozen to the sidewalk. He just walked inside. I sure hope his wife and kids remember him. Thatís what early spring means to me. Weíre reacquainted with things!

Soon, Iíll be getting my first whiff of blossoms and freshly cut grass. Oh how I miss those smells. Soon, Iíll see the kids outside riding their bikes up and down the street. And oh how I miss those sights.

Spring is tailor made for your senses. Itís funny how the constant pale skies turn so wonderfully blue this time of year. The brown grass will turn green. Brightly colored flowers will bloom, and even our wardrobes will shine back at the sun! No more of those dark overcoats and gloves, weíre heading into the pastel season.

I wrote that yesterday. Today itís overcast and damp. Itís down in the 50ís (it feels like the 30's to me) and Iíve already forgotten what spring feels like. I hear it could snow over the weekend. I wonder where my new friend, that bird, is today. I hope it didnít decide to fly back south Ė thinking weíve already had our summer!